Ninja Barbies
by vacant houses
Summary: Crack. In which the real nature of the TMNT comes to light.


TMNT= Not mine.

You can tell whether I've been reading good stories or bad stories simply by how much crack I post. Now, I understand that most fanfic writers are probably young and female. But that's really no excuse when I start reading a story and it feels like I'm reading about a bunch of twelve year old girls. And these are not even the stories when the TMNT are female or something. I'm talking about stories when they're male teenagers and yet they sound like a group of kids still playing with their dolls.

I'm sorry but the simple fact is this: they can't be ninjas and not have some degree of maturity or they'd have died very, very fast. Ergo, when I see stories like these, especially when the TMNT sound like a bunch of girls, I start hating my fandom. Then I start writing crack. This is for Tauni and DisneyDelinquent since they played along with me when I was ranting about this particular trope.

* * *

><p>One sunny day, Casey Jones was bumming out in his apartment, watching tv and eating nachos when all of a sudden there was a thunderstorm. The lights dimmed and died as lightening flashed menacingly in the black sky, filled with rain clouds that hadn't there two seconds before. In this ominous atmosphere, one could barely hear a marching band playing the Macarena, let alone the breaking of a window.<p>

"Now that was just unnecessary Raph!" Casey muttered as the mutant dramatically materialised from somewhere in the darkness.

"I need you to distract April," Raphael said seriously, ignoring the fact that the weather itself had bowed down to the force of his personality and had taken to setting a gloomy atmosphere wherever he went. It did provide flashy entrances however.

"What? Why?" never before had Casey Jones seen the turtle so serious. Not even that battle with the Shredder. And the other battle with the Shredder. And that one with-

Raphael straightened and attempted to loom intimidatingly over the man as much as he could, which was very little given that Raph was much, much shorter than Casey. There was an angry flash of lightening in the background to compensate for his lack of stature.

"The reason is unimportant!" Raphael snarled and it began to rain even harder outside. "Just do it you bonehead!"

And thus an extremely confused Casey took April out to watch The Hangover 2.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile...<p>

Raphael ninjaed himself in April's bedroom and immediately made a bee line to her vanity desk. As the storm rumbled in the background, he stealthily removed her make up case and began to apply a layer of foundation.

Several minutes later, Don (on one of his random pervy house break-ins) climbed in through the window. He blinked at the sight of his brother for several moments before he said:

"You're doing it wrong."

* * *

><p>Mikey was bored.<p>

He'd been stuck at home with Leonardo, God of All Things Boring, and after watching reruns of the Simpsons for the fiftieth time, he'd decided that a visit to April's was in order. Raph and Don had both disappeared over there earlier that evening and he figured it was time to crash whatever party they were having without him.

What he didn't expect to find was Don helping Raph apply makeup to his face. He watched his brothers for several minutes before piping up; "Hey Raph, can I paint your nails?"

Raph's head jerked towards the doorway, and Don let out an impatient sigh as eyeliner smeared everywhere. "Dammit, Raph, you have to stay STILL!"

Mikey eagerly bounded over to the dresser, hands searching about for the nail polish. "Pick a colour Raph! What do you want? Say, where does April keep her nail polish?"

Realizing Mikey was being serious; Raph jerked his head to the top right draw, causing Don to hiss angrily as he attempted to fix the mess about Raph's eyes. "Pick something nice, okay?" Raph mumbled.

"Sweet!" Mikey exclaimed cheerfully, pulling out several small bottles.

"Red," Raph said, squirming under Don's ministrations. "And gold. With little flowers."

The room was soon thick with the smell of acetone and perfume. As the door and windows were shut, the scent of chemicals began to affect the minds of the three terrapins and they suddenly possessed an overwhelming desire to talk about the most inane subjects.

"I think that Robert Pattinson is kinda like ... handsome," Mikey blurted suddenly, "Um. In a manly kinda way ..."

"Are you kidding?" Don snorted, "He's so ... blegh. I dunno. I'm more of a Johnny Depp turtle. If you wanna get technical. I mean, he's a very distinguished actor. And all."

The two turtles glanced over to their brother. "So who's your man-crush, Raph?" Mikey asked, taking a bite out a bar of chocolate.

Raph glanced up and muttered, "Hugh Jackman. He's, like, totally hawt."

* * *

><p>His brothers were late. Leo scowled as he made his way over rooftops through the pouring rain. They were probably driving April insane with their antics by now. (Leo could have just called them on his shellcell but that wouldn't have been convenient for the purposes of this plot, alright?)<p>

Leo slipped carefully in through the window and froze.

"What do you think?" Mikey asked, hefting up one of April's more expensive lace bras.

Raph plucked the skimpy undergarment and held it against his plastron. "I don't think it matches my plastron," he replied.

Leo's brain finally unfroze. "Not to mention you're a size D," he said. "And that's a C."

His brothers glanced casually over at him. "Hey Leo," Mikey said cheerfully, hefting April's lingerie drawer over, "Which do you think would be a good fit?"

Leo picked through the many bras and finally selected one, "Try that," he said. "Hold them both up so we can compare."

"We should stick with something black," Don noted, "You can never go wrong with black. Bright aqua is kind of ambitious."

Raph held the second bra against his plastron. "What do you guys think?"

"No, no!" Don said, "That should sit flat against your plastron, or the bands the wrong size! April must be too slender for you. Try putting it on the outermost hooks ..."

"No wait, I've got a better idea!" Mikey exclaimed, "We should stuff the cups. We'll pad it out a little, you'll look so hot!"

Eventually it occurred to Raph that something was missing. "Help me out with this lipstick guys, because April's got about six shades of red for whatever fucking crazy reason, and I wanna match it to my mask."

Leo perched himself on the edge of April's bed and began to sort through the various cosmetics, "Speaking of your mask, where did you learn to French braid like that?"

A haunted look flashed across Raphael's face, "I ran into a ten-year girl on a rooftop. Hard lessons were learned that night. It turned out I'd been doing it wrong all these years."


End file.
